My emotional stages after drinking: SUPER HAPPY, numb, HAPPY, numb, sad, depressed, suicidal, numb, sleep. Why do I drink again?
Because I am crazy.
I used to drink. Like a lot. My friends and I would drink until we felt our livers hurt in the morning. We drank when we were bored, busy, stressed, chill, happy, sad, angry, zen – WE ALWAYS HAD AN OCCASION TO DRINK.
If it was Friday, it was TGIF drinks; if it was Saturday, it was the obligatory weekend drinks; if it was Sunday, it was the gearing-up-for-Monday drinks; if it was Monday, it was Monday blues drinks; if it was Tuesday, it was $12-jugs-at-Cuscaden’s; Wednesday, mid-week drinks; Thursday, fuck-it drinks.
You get the drift.
Somehow I was convinced that drinking made life so much better. That I was happier drinking. That LIFE was happier.
But for all the alcohol that I have flushed through my system and emerged from both ends, it ultimately did not make me a happier person.
I appreciate the pint with dinner, or a whisky dry to end off a stressful day. But I think I’m way past the whole drink ’til we laugh at everything and piss in the bushes across the river from Zouk phase (HAHA). It’s expensive, it’s basically just liquid passing through my body, it makes me feel bloated, and quite honestly, it makes me really depressed after.
Okay it just occurred to me that I sound like a 50-year-old right now lOL.
But I think what was really scary about my drinking habits is that for all the sadness and melancholia that drinking has brought me, every night I would still think that drinking would make me happier.
And you know what Einstein said: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
I’m just going to let that sink in for a moment.
That was pretty much in the past, and I think I’m really growing up.
I don’t drink very much right now. But I have spent the past few days drinking lots of beer and I really really don’t like it. I’ve had thoughts that I’ve been pretty much subduing for years and it’s just a really shitty feeling.
Yes, that means my tolerance is pretty much shit. But the amazing thing is that while “alcohol tolerance” used to be like a medal that I raced for in the past, now I’m really like. Fuck it.
But the thing is. It’s incredibly hard not to drink, because I would say that like 90% of my friends are hardcore drinkers. And drinking is the form of socialising among my circles of friends.
Call me old, but right now, when I do want to meet friends, all I want is to sit down, chill, and have a real conversation. Order a beer, yes. But let’s not order a tower for two of us, or a tray of shots.
And for the friends who can’t seem to hold a conversation without a pitcher of beer in front of us, well, I wonder whether we were ever truly friends at all. Because what sort of “friends” could only hang out when high?
Oh my god I am so freaking old.
And, yes, a little high.