This is basically what I’ve been doing since I-don’t-know-how-long-ago.
- I mope around my house looking for things to do and food to eat while knowing full well there’s a whole bunch of work waiting upstairs for me to be done.
- I trawl the internet, watch – no, rewatch TV shows that I’ve seen a million times before in a show of championship-worthy procrastination for the same bunch of shit waiting to be done
- I keep to myself, avoid phonecalls, refrain from talking about anything personal on social media, do last-minute cancellations on friends et al, all while Whatsapping furiously because that seems to be the only way I know how to communicate normally with anyone anymore.
I could go on. But the point is. I spend my life waiting for my moments of clarity.
That’s how I write, and how I do most things actually. Whether it’s schoolwork, organising anything or getting anything accomplished really. I wait for a moment of clarity.
I wrote about Living with a Muddled Mind before. And things are pretty much the same. Well, better, but essentially the same.
But I suppose the difference now is that I get longer, more frequent moments of clarity. I actually get my ass moving a whole lot more, which kind of gets my mind moving a whole lot more.
And in my moments of clarity I find this ball of optimism inside of me. Like everything will be okay. And sometimes it seems like I say that a lot to myself – mostly to convince myself more than anything else – but in those moments, I actually believe it.
In those moments, I actually feel like I’m normal. Like I’m a normal, functioning human being that doesn’t have to fight this mental fog that perpetually clouds my mind. And I wonder if that’s what people are supposed to feel? Do they live in a perpetual state of clarity, or is everyone else like me?
In any case, I’m just hoping that I find my clarity soon. Because everytime life seems to be getting better, it doesn’t.
I would be a bit more clear on this topic but it seems I’ve lost my moment of clarity LOL.
On that note of irony, as I was thinking about it earlier, the song, Clarity, by John Mayer (which is the video at the top of this post) popped into my head and I was all “OMG maybe that’s what Mayer was talking about.”
And then I looked up the lyrics and. Those are possibly the least clear lyrics ever written.
As he so succinctly puts it in the following clip at about 2mins: “‘So much wasted in the afternoon / So much sacred in the month of June / How about you?’ the FUCK does that mean?”