This week is possibly the most exhausting week I’ve had in a long long time.
Everything just seemed to go haywire. Work. School. And, well, something else.
A lot of times, I try very hard to block things out. Anything that could negatively affect my emotions, I try very very hard to avoid. Which is why you will find that I surround myself with the sanest people I can find. I’ve had and seen plenty of drama through my poly years and I really don’t welcome any more.
You could say I build an invisible wall around myself, as I’m sure many people do. So when something happens to strip down those walls, I get very very very affected.
I know, most people who know me probably think that I’m the most apathetic person around but I think I am actually pretty emotional in general, which is why I take such pains to block as much external emotional aggressions out as possible. And I think I’ve mastered the art of masking feelings pretty well. Okay maybe not. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll write on this a bit more in the future.
But anyway, something happened this week – or has been happening in the past weeks. And I’m just – it’s hard.
Like you’re watching something crumble to pieces, and the only thing you can do is sweep up the mess and try very hard to keep whatever is left glued together. But every day, a little more crumbles away, and you’re just so scared that one day, there’s not going to be any left.
Helplessness is a horrible horrible feeling.
But the thing that keeps me going is the thought that everything’s going to be okay eventually. And then moments of doubt creep in, and… I don’t know. It’s so exhausting. I feel like I’m really emotionally and mentally spent. I just don’t know what to do about it anymore.
There comes a point where you just think, “is anything I’m saying or doing even making a difference?” Because no matter what, it’s going to be so darn painful. But keeping silent is just as painful and you just want everything to be okay again.
Okay that ends the vague and miserable part of this entry. Though the other aspects of my week weren’t much better.
I’ve entered my third week of work, and things could really be going better. So much is expected of me at a pace that I had never anticipated. I thought that home-based work would be very much more manageable – because you save all that time travelling and getting dressed – but it turns out that I was wrong. In some ways, it’s actually worse.
And I’ve just reached the second half of my current school term which means the assignments are really pouring in. I’m just so exhausted from working the entire day, then working even more at night – while squeezing in assignments and classes.
Then, of course, my MacBook crashed so I’ve been lost the entire week – struggling with Windows and working out the strange keyboards (strange to me, anyway).
Like, I always knew I was pretty dependent on my MacBook Air but I never appreciated just how much. I was so unimaginably lost without it. That, combined with the whole miserable situation that I’m blatantly being vague about, really affected my work performance, I think. It’s just such a horribly bad week.
Thankfully a whole lot of things changed today. I had a group presentation at school in the morning which went surprisingly well (I was so relieved! You have no idea how unprepared we were), and got back marks for a report we handed in last week that I was sure I mucked up but thankfully didn’t.
Then the cherry on top of the slightly burnt pie was… I got a new laptop! Phew! Like thank god for my dad, really. I was really going nuts about my laptop; I’m really crazily attached to it and was actually quite sad that it crashed a second time after getting it back from the shop. So my dad said that I should just get a new, better one since I’m using it so much now. Freaking grateful. I was so glad he encouraged me to get it instead of pinning my hopes on fixing the MacBook Air because I have just so much to do (work is just piling up and I’ve got two assignments due next week). And my desktop is really just slowing me down. So now I really feel this major lift off my shoulders. And I’m just so grateful.
I’m also really lucky that I got Tim who’s been going up and down to Sim Lim Square to help me with my com. I would never have found that time to send my Mac down and he’s just been so amazing and understanding.
You don’t realise what you have until you’re in a serious time of need. Like it’s incredibly heartening to know that there’re gonna be people who’ve got your back and will help you through stuff. It serves as an excellent reminder not to take things for granted and that there are people who will pull you through just about anything.
Which brings me back to my vague thingamagic, how do you convince someone that it’s going to be okay? That this, too, really will pass. That the reason to live is a phone that rings every few hours to make sure you’re okay. That you’ve suffered worse and lived to tell the tale, so there isn’t any reason they shouldn’t. That one day we can look back on this and laugh. That life is worth living because it’s all we have. That this haunts you just as it haunts them, like a poltergeist at your mind’s backstage threatening to snap the strings at any moment. How do you tell them that you care?
Life. Why you so fragile? Sigh.