I have lived life with a Friends First mentality. Lovers always came second; family was a complicated third.
I could be picky with my friends. But when I chose them, I stuck by them. Sure, group squabbles or minor tiffs would arise, but never would I turn on a close friend and leave him/her in a ditch entirely.
I hold these bonds sacred, until they turn their backs on me.
Then I go into a savage rage.
“This boy is worth more than years of friendship with me?”
“A secret that tore me apart meant nothing to you?”
“Second choice to the ‘cool clique’ is all that I’ll be!”
Questions that pound against my skull from within drive blood up to my brain, blinding me with red. And this happens over and over again.
It’s not that they’re bad people (most of them anyway). Some of them are just bad friends. Some of them just haven’t got a clue. And all of them, suffer the same fate of me mistakingly thinking that they cared for me as much as I cared for them.
I’d like to think it’s my fault. I’m pretty cold by nature, I’m pretty much independent in every way possible and I don’t go for touchy feely-ness. So maybe they firmly believe in “A friend in need is a friend indeed” and since I’m never in need, I’m not a friend. Indeed.
But it sucks. Because I can’t count the number of times I’ve talked a friend through a break up, dropped responsibilities to be there for a recently dumped emo, made time to be with someone through tears and through laughter. And the minute they have something more important than an always-there-friend, they’re gone. So when the time comes that I really am in need, they’re not there.
Of course, I have pals who would answer my call if was on the edge on a building at 3am on a Monday night (I hope), but I think it just sucks that human beings, in general, are such an unappreciative bunch.
You just feel like your feelings have been cheated, because you thought there was something real there. Like that particular bunch of people would be a real-life version of FRIENDS or How I Met Your Mother, but instead, they’re just a real-life version of the Sugababes. Everyone leaves until the original lineup’s completely dead.
And I’m not one to forgive. So once you’ve betrayed me, forgotten me, or taken me for granted, you’ll find one day the calls/texts/whatsapps/facebook conversations have waned. At that point, consider the bridge burned.
The sad thing is, people sometimes don’t even notice until a year or two later. And almost all the time, they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. But I’m a sticker for loyalty. So perhaps they think disappearing with their latest beau for a year or ignoring my existence til they’ve forgotten my occupation is alright. But I don’t, because it really is not. I’m not a puppy to be played with or cry to when shit goes down every year or so, because where were you when shit went down in my life?
I’ve wound up burning more bridges than I have kept up, but I’ve come to realise that surrounding yourself with false friends is more damaging than being alone. Most of all, I’ve come to realise that people just can’t be relied on.
People are selfish. Or they’re obtuse to other people’s feelings. So I thought, fuck it. Why should I care when no one else does.
But after all that crap, when it comes to some people, a little part of me still yearns to believe that like the Sugababes, an original lineup reunion will be in the works. But that’s putting faith in people. And haven’t I learnt not to do that?