I don’t know what the fuck has been wrong with me lately. But I’ve been living with a muddled mind for the past few weeks/months, I don’t even remember how long, that’s how muddled my mind has been.
I get bouts of dizziness, lack of concentration, headaches. After some googling, I found out these were signs of anaemia, so I skipped down to a doctor who assured me I was fine and charged me $28 for 10 dizzy pills.
But this is how it’s like living with a muddled mind.
It is impossible to organise your days. Simply because it is impossible to organise your mind. All the things you need to do are in this web of thoughts and words intertwining in your head. It takes all the energy you have reaching into that web and extracting what you need, much less prioritizing them and remembering when you actually need to accomplish everything. The result? You fall behind on deadlines, you miss appointments, you becomes less responsible and reliable than you should be. It’s reached a point where you just feel like giving up, retreating into a hole and just staying there until your mind isn’t muddled anymore. Except there doesn’t seem to be an end to this muddled mind syndrome.
You can’t differentiate between dreams and reality. And no, it’s not like in a cool inception way. More like a “oh fuck have I told so-and-so that so-and-so has died yet. Oh wait, did he really die? I can’t fucking rmb!” Not cool. You see, I tend to plan things in my head a lot. I plan what to say, when to say it, how to say it PLUS I have pretty vivid dreams. So much so that my muddled mind can’t even separate the visuals in my head from the actual visuals through my eyes. I can’t even count the number of times I told the same things to the same people multiple times. Or failed to mention something extremely important. It’s insane.
It feels like an itch somewhere on your leg that you can’t pinpoint. And you know it’s there, but you don’t know where the source is. So you end up scratching the whole fucking area raw but feel no relief while the bug that bit you is probably hiding somewhere behind your door sniggering in silence.
I don’t know the source of this muddled mind. Is it lack of sleep? A lack of ambition? A lack of gusto for life? Have I subconsciously given up on life so much so that my mind is just shutting down on me?
You might think that quitting my job would’ve left me with a huge peace of mind, that I would be tanning at my garden, sipping a cosmo and reading Eat, Pray, Love. But I feel no peace of mind, no heavy burden lifted off my shoulders. In fact I might possibly feel worse.
While days at work seemed to drag on forever, my days now whiz by without a trace. Sleeping 10 hours a day sure is contributing to that, I’m sure. But if anything, I’d have thought sleeping more would be clearing my mind.
What I really want is for time to stop. Just freeze. So I can gather my thoughts and figure out just what the fuck I’m doing with my life. I keep trying to tell myself that everything’s going to be okay. But to be honest, I’m not very sure how that’s happening. Will everything really be okay?
Great now I quite possibly think I’m a freak even more than I did before writing this post. Shit.