Making choices that matter – a sign you’re really growing up.

So following my headfuck of a post, or posts, a few days ago, I’m here now with a clearer mind (I hope).

Basically, I was confused, really confused. I was completely lost and I was scared out of my wits.

You see, after concluding that advertising wasn’t my cup of tea, I was left with the option of journalism. But we all know that journalists have crazy job schedules and it’d be next to impossible to juggle that with school. Plus the fact that I wanted to get my piano diploma.

Full-time was out of the question. Which meant I had only two choices, part-time and freelance. Part-time is easy, but you’re not going to get part-time journalism jobs, it just doesn’t exist.

But freelance? It’s a risky business, especially if you don’t have personal ties to magazines and newspapers. I have my old newsroom, but I don’t want to treat it like a safety net, and I feel a need to broaden my portfolio.

There’re so many things to consider when it comes to freelancing. How’re you going to lock down jobs? Even if you do, what’s to say those publications aren’t gonna drop you? You know how grueling job hunting is? It’s exhausting, and it’s uncomfortable for me, because I’m not the sort who likes boasting about her talents.

But when freelancing, life is an endless job hunt.

When one project ends, you gotta find another. If you’re lucky and get into your clients’ good books, you stay on their mind whenever they’re in need of their next job done. If not, you’re out on the streets (or job search sites) again. Rinse and repeat, every few weeks. Or week. Or days.

Money might not come in as frequently as you like, or at all, and you never know if you’ll have enough money to last the month. And that’s really worrisome for me.

The fact remains, though, that it’s the only solution I have. That’d give me the time to work on my studies, my piano, my life in general. I’m plunging into the unknown, now knowing what I’m going into, really.

That’s why I’ve put off making a final decision and saying: “I’m going to be a freelance writer.” Ignoring the fact that it sounds lazy, it’s downright terrifying. And it might be something I’d have to face for the next 1.5 years. *shudders*

When I finally made this decision last night, or at least admitted to myself that I had made this decision, I realised I’ve really grown up. I’m being accountable for my choices and actions, which are incredibly crucial. They’re shaping the rest of my life.

No longer can I blame my parents, friends, society or jesus for the fuck ups I go through. I have to face the fact that if anything goes wrong, I only have myself to blame. And as much as that’s really scary, it’s kind of empowering. Because at least if I fuck up, at least I can tell myself honestly that I tried.


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