Smoking kills. Not smoking kills you.

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Firstly, let’s get the most obvious out of the way: if I don’t smoke, I get more pissed off at the world i.e. you. And I will kill you. See, I have this theory. That some smokers aren’t really addicted to cigarettes. That we’re just naturally angst-filled gremlins who are constantly on edge and don’t exactly deal with stress very well. We’ll take it out on anyone, a stray cat on the street, a toddler waddling in the playpen, the old lady stumbling up a bus, we don’t care. We’re incapable of taking a step back from life and just, y’know, breathing. Thank the lord for cigarettes and their toxic talent for relaxation. Those few minutes of inhaling over 400 toxic chemicals? Take those away and we could one day run around town naked, waving a machete mindlessly. We’re savings lives here. Or cigarettes are. Wow, right?

Next, think of all the jobs cigarettes have created. I’m not just talking about cigarette factories or retailers or whatever. Think of all that research gone into proving that cigarettes cause lung cancer, or that second-hand smoke is just as lethal, or that third-hand smoke can transform your curtains into a smoke snake demon and choke the life out of your puppy. What about the research on the demographics and psychographics of smokers? You think those smoke snake demons are trained to do those interviews? All these take manpower – well-paid manpower. We’re creating jobs here! Feeding your researchers and their kids.

Let’s not forget the economy. Any idea how much cigarettes are taxed? We’re boosting the economy, plus feeding the government some extra cash to provide you with, I dunno, more pavements and shelters I guess. And as a bonus, we die early, so that’s less money needed to subsidise our healthcare in old age and more space in hospitals for you, hence enhancing your life. We’re giving more, and receiving less – that’s plain selfless, if you ask me.

So the next time you decide to pester someone to quit smoking, just think about how their smoking benefits you and encourage them instead. If they want to kill themselves, I say, let them be! That way, you get a spot in the hospital when you’re old while they’d already have been long gone.

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