I’m a person full of dreams and brimming to-do lists.

Here’s a couple of things I want to do – simultaneously, if I may add.

  • I want to get my piano performance diploma.
  • I want to get my comms degree asap
  • I want to start an exercise regime that I stick to religiously.
  • I want to be thin.
  • I want earn enough money (through writing) to live comfortably while doing my part-time degree.
  • Most of all, I want to live life and stop this feeling of waiting for it to begin.

I’ve been really stressed and depressed lately. And for some reason, I seem to have trouble keeping my emotions under control, something that has never been a problem for me before.

I’m really throwing caution into the wind here and letting this blog flow into full-on bleak and angst, but… You know what really sucks? Living life like a leaf in the wind.

See, for most of my life, or of any 22 year old’s for that matter, I didn’t get much say in what I wanted to do. I mean, sure, you get to choose the university that you get to go to and even the course, but who decided you had to go to university in the first place? Same goes for work, gatherings, hobbies, whatever else..

I don’t know about others, but I spent a lot of my teenage life waiting to be free. And for me, money was the key to independence. I was glad to go get my diploma, get an excellent internship, which led to a full-time job upon graduation. Because that meant I was supporting myself and I didn’t have to do what my parents told me anymore since they weren’t the ones funding my life any longer.

But the need for a degree loomed over me and I was backed into the corner. A full-time degree was an option, but that would mean I’d be back under the rule of my father’s cash handouts, so I opted for part-time instead.

Either way, I had to enroll myself in a course, put myself through units I had already done in poly just to get a piece of paper that would set me “free”.

I had to switch jobs because I was overworked, wasn’t given benefits and not even considered for bonuses purely on the basis of not having a degree (It was company policy, my sup and HR personnel did the best they could to help me). Also, the hectic schedules of that job wouldn’t allow for part-time studying. I was offered a freelance/part-time option. But the pay didn’t seem worth it at the time.

So I found another job, with great pay and stable working hours. But I started to get really really frustrated.

Last night my father asked why I couldn’t stand this job so much. How do I answer such a question?

Nevermind that my colleagues are mostly middle aged, family-oriented, chinese-speaking people whom I can’t relate to at all, or that this company is stuck in 1991.

The fact is that this isn’t close to what I want to do.

And I refuse to hold on to a job just to bide time until I get my BA, which, incidentally, isn’t going to get me a job in the future.

It’s work experience that’s going to get me anywhere and I’m not going to sacrifice that for a degree that can only offer a pay raise and a higher glass ceiling.

Venting aside, I’m now faced with another problem. I’m serving my last week of work with no clue what I’m going to do after. No fucking clue at all.

I’m so clueless I can’t even continue this post. FML.




  1. […] following my headfuck of a post, or posts, a few days ago, I’m here now with a clearer mind (I […]

  2. […] I realised I ended yesterday’s post on not knowing what to do after quitting my job rather abruptly. But just as I typed that I didn’t have a clue what I was gonna do after […]

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