I suppose the topic of Why I Blog is apt for a first time post. Well, not first, but first in a long long time. And first for wordpress, at least.
Like most bored teenagers I blogged a fair bit in secondary school. But that ended when an insecure teacher decided to google his/her name and found that I was saying not-so-nice things about him/her. A half-year chase ensued – involving the discipline mistress hunting me down while I avoided her like a dog with a bone – which worked supremely well.
I didn’t really get into trouble for it (except said teacher threatening to sue for libel and defamation – I am exercising great restraint from cursing here) but suffice it to say that I learnt my lesson. I rarely blogged. When I did, it was self-censored, until eventually I gave in to privatising, and then ceased to blog entirely.
Then, of course, the advent of facebook, twitter, tumblr came in and I jumped on the social networking bandwagon, and left blogging behind. Tendencies arose once in a while, but never serious efforts to maintain one.
So I guess the question is, why start now? There are plenty of reasons not to start a blog. People – including so-called friends – will start reading, gossiping, judging. Rumours start spreading from a typo or inaccurate expression of thoughts. It’s basically a school-like environment plastered on the internet, except worse. Because everything is in black and white.
Feelings or thoughts you might have written on impulse may be used against you when you’re at your weakest. Single phrases can be picked up on and misinterpreted, and you might wind up the latest burn victim on the web (read:flaming). Friendships risk being made and broken. Secrets shared with one group but kept from another might be spilled. The list goes on.
But then I realised something not too long ago. As I stopped blogging, I stopped talking. I mean, sure, I spoke to friends, I gossiped, I bitched, I complained, I shared their miseries, I chortled at their jokes. But I stopped having deep conversations. Those that ran deep into the night, that left us breathless and dizzy with thoughts, that left us comforted that we had a grasp of what life was about.
While such conversations went on seemingly forever, I began cutting them short. Stubbing out each start of a would-be meaningful talking point with a “fuck it”, “who cares” or a “there ain’t nth we can do about it”.
I hadn’t realised that when I stopped writing, I stopped thinking. Instead, I surrounded myself with drinking, smoking, partying, socialising. I was too busy or drunk to think about life. Really think. I took the most practical paths and made the most efficient decisions. But there was always something hollow inside and I know now that there is something wrong with the way I’ve been running my life.
So why am I blogging? Because I want to start thinking again. I don’t want to keep doing the “right” thing anymore. I want to forget the notion of right and wrong and finally realise the options in between. Because our circumstances (parents/government/society) might have laid out limited options for us, but life has an abundance of roads.
Here’s hoping that this blog will get my juices running again. And I’ll explore this bounty of roads before finding one that will give me the fullness of life I crave.
On the practical side, being in the media industry, I realised the need to embrace digital media and here’s also hoping that this will help me learn what makes people tick on the big bad world wide web.
But the life thing was more important. Really.